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Tribune to Unveil Revolutionary Communications Tool
Wednesday 01. April 2009 - Alternative Info Super-Highway Created, May Render Internet Obsolete By 2010; Content Delivered to the End-User More Directly Than Ever Before
Tribune Company today announced detailed plans to introduce a high-power, low-cost communications device designed to make all media, including the Internet, obsolete by next year. The device, tentatively being marketed as “The Accelerator(TM),” uses patent-pending nano-technology to aggregate the sum of all human knowledge–everything from where you put your keys last night to the genetic sequence of field mice DNA–and deliver what you want, when you want, directly into your brain. A prototype of the device and a description of its features can be found on the company website.
“Forget cloud computing, this is vapor computing,” said Randy Michaels, Tribune’s chief operating officer. “Traditional media companies have been working for years to harness the so-called power of the Internet–we decided that rather than compete, we’d just make it obsolete.”
The company estimates the Quantum based computing power of the device to be roughly 3.9 million times greater than a common PC, delivering information to consumers at roughly 12 times the speed of a traditional broadband connection to the Internet.
The Accelerator(TM) is backward compatible to traditional–some might say “outdated”–media such as email, streaming media, mp3 and mp4 playback and newsfeeds, as well as online gaming. The device is also equipped with such innovations as:
— 3D holographic displays, allowing projection from 3 inches to 172 feet
on ANY surface, with resolution far beyond that of even
high-definition television.
— Voice recognition accepting 373 languages and dialects, facilitating
the elimination of the standard keyboard.
— Environmental re-creation programs able to re-generate the real-time
visual and audible stimulus occurring on any date in history.
— On demand recall of literally every television program and film from
an archival database numbering over 11.8 million titles.
— Personalized microscopic transmission powered by nano-technology,
allowing users to access communication features of the device from
distances up to 75 miles.
— Fool-proof security utilizing individual brain-scan patterning
identification technology.
— “Cold Light” technology, powered by a 30-year plutonium battery.
Tribune also announced an exclusive arrangement with The Library of Congress to digitize every book in its collection by March 2010, and a plan to make an audio library of 23.4 million titles available to owners of The Accelerator(TM).
“I congratulate the development teams at Tribune Interactive,” said Michaels. “They have put in long hours, many of them sober. And this marvelous device is the result–The Accelerator(TM) will mean billions in revenue, and the end of the extremely competitive advertising environment in which we’ve been operating. The game is over–we win.”
Technologists at the company are still refining the final product, expected to be available for retail purchase in May for $28,500. A slightly more expensive hand-held version of will be available in late-2010.
“There are still a few bugs to be worked out,” said Marc Chase, president of Tribune Interactive. “For example, in its current incarnation, The Accelerator(TM) weighs 425 pounds, which is a little more than we’d like, and the remote control feature still has some kinks in it. But, we’re confident that we’re in the end-stage development phase.”